- Hold your breath. If you’re busy holding your breath, you’re less likely to scream.
- Look away, then look back. Repeat this step at least five times, just to make sure that the bug is real.
- If, after step #2, the bug is still present, you’ll want to find some toilet paper or paper towels. The benefit of toilet paper is that you can immediately flush it down the toilet; the benefit of paper towels is that they are thicker and you have less of a chance to feel the bug through them.
- Grab way too much of the towel/paper. I prefer to bundle it up into a ball, putting as much distance between my fingertips and the bug as possible.
- Use a “pinch” motion to just barely grab the bug.
- This is the point where I usually can’t hold my breath any longer, let it all out, scream, and drop the towel/paper.
- Run into another room. Cry a little bit. Gather back up your courage.
- Repeat steps 4 and 5.
- Quickly and frantically throw the towel/paper into the toilet or garbage can.
- Immediately take out the trash, flush the toilet, and scrub your hands.
Optional step #11: Spend 5 or 10 minutes shivering and flailing your arms in complete and total disgust.
Optional step #12: (if applicable) Remember that you are, in fact, a man. Drink some scotch and hope that no one saw you through the windows.
